


Sanity

by Nihonkikuasa211



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Being Izaya Is Suffering, Character Study, Denial of Feelings, Gen, Introspection, Self-Hatred, light shizaya
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:34:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27186622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nihonkikuasa211/pseuds/Nihonkikuasa211
Summary: Izaya didn't know what living was. He didn't know what death was either. He was only puppet master, but even he didn't know what was in his mind.
Kudos: 7





	Sanity

He didn’t know what it meant to live. What did it mean to die? Izaya did say to Namie that he considered himself human, but in truth, Izaya felt so far away from everyone. His love…hah…could it even be called that? The love he spoke of wasn’t pure, didn’t have the semblance of love that he saw so many of his – of people having in their hearts.

He had given up on love a long time ago. Was he ever lonely? Was he ever happy? Did Orihara Izaya even know what happiness even was? He had never been a smiling, carefree child. He had always been aware of his role in the universe, which was in his parents’ words, “Be quiet, Izaya. We’ll be back soon.”

Why did the bitter pill of love scrape down his throat, making his heart shatter and burst in minuscule pieces, leaving him an empty husk, a doll with unseeing eyes searching for something to love.

Shinra…Shinra…the only ever friend he would have. Izaya knew that his brown-haired friend didn’t care for anything that wasn’t Celty. Far too briefly, Izaya had hated her. Hated this monster that shouldn’t even exist ripping apart his friend and be the focus of his attention, just taking taking taking, never –

He did a good job at fooling people. But fooling people was half the issue.

Izaya didn’t even know how deep his friendship with Shinra was. How do you measure a friendship of a person who you knew didn’t care that you had been stabbed?

And Shizu-chan… That monster was always interfering in his plans. It always amused Izaya that Shizu-chan and his little gang of friends all thought Izaya was behind the mystery and mayhem behind Ikebukuro. The death of those Yakuza was not his doing. And Akane….what a poor child.

How nice it was to be doted by your parents, held by Shizu-chan and smiled at.

He had once smiled at Shizu-chan too. But it seemed the beast knew him more than Izaya knew himself.

Why did rejection hurt so much, even after being twenty-five years on this Earth? Why did he hide despite wanting to be liked, wanting to be like…

The man he hated to love, despite his best efforts to display otherwise.

Why bother paint himself as anything other than who people thought he was? Masamoi, Mikado, Anri…Celty, even Shinra even hated him. But Shizuo’s hatred was enough for Izaya’s heart to continue to beat.

Despite the violence and anger surrounding that…man, Shizuo was loved, and didn’t even know it.

Rejecting him at first sight. Feared, yes, but not of the same loathing that Izaya encountered. 

Not that it hurt him. Izaya had a normal childhood, and loved being chased and screamed at by the ex-blond bartender. 

Sure, he had gotten Shizuo arrested, but the bartending job wouldn't have created Shizuo enough suffering to make Izaya smile. If Shizu-chan was mad, then he would come to Izaya!

Shizu-chan had always hated the scrawny dark-haired man. How had it come to be this far in their mutual and rational hatred?

Always complaining how the flea ruined his life, thinking that his existence would be better if Izaya didn’t exist.

“Maybe it would be better for all of us, Shizu-chan. I could have lived a normal, peaceful life that you desire…but then I wouldn’t have met you and you would have ignored me, or better yet, been one of your infamous victims.” Izaya didn’t know why he had to love this loathsome human being, by the standard of the ideal human. But then again, why do fairies exist?

Why does Japan continue to ignore its horrific and shameful child abuse, child neglect, and institution problem while proclaiming to the world that it is a country of peace.

Why does Izaya even care to find people like himself, try to understand why the human beings capable of so much harm against innocent lives?

But the truth of the matter is, Izaya is afriad of death.

He would rather live one thousand year of hatred and then be resurrected as a warrior blessed with eternal glory – that would undoubtfully be Shizu-chan, which made his heart spin with rage – than eighty years of love.

Heiwajima Shizuo was everything Orihara Izaya was not. He had everything Izaya wanted, desired, pleaded for…from the earliest days.

But he had made his choice. It was too late for Izaya to turn back, to become a normal human.

Normal never suited him anyway.

“Someone has to be a villain in a story,” Izaya said with a sharp chuckle. He wrapped his coat around him more tightly and the bottom of it swished as the twenty-five year old man turned toward the Shinjuku station.

“Time to play with my precious humans…”


End file.
